just one of those weeks

Februar 2, 2008 wherethewildthymeblows
Tags: auf Englisch, eating disorders, GOD, just one of those weeks *sigh*, music videos, superchic[k]

oh gosh.

oh gosh.

oh gosh.

i can’t manage german right now. i can’t even manage capitals. i’m having trouble with the full stops.

everyone’s had one of those weeks, right? well, i just had one.

1) I AM NOT EVER GOING TO MAKE MYSELF SICK TO DEAL WITH A SITUATION AGAIN. i haven’t done it in nearly a year, and I AM NOT EVER BRUSHING WITH AN EATING DISORDER AGAIN. i was never anorexic (BMI always above 22, let alone 18) and i was never bulimic (didn’t binge/purge often enough per week). that doesn’t mean tehre aren’t times when i’m not tempted, oh gosh. mrs s was humiliating me in german the other day adn i didn’t know the answer and this thought, this idea darted through me “i could go and make myself sick after this, that would make it all better”. WHICH IT WOULDN’T. and i went and sat in the library and wrote a rather frenetic letter to God and checked Peter Pan out (crisis management much?). this was a sensible way to react i know, but it didn’t make the fact that i wanted to do that any less scary. i can’t go down that road again. i can’t. it would kill me, i know it would, because i lost a stone and a half of my body weight in as many months, and i wasn’t that heavy to start with. that was well, well over 10%. the only reason i managed Not To was because God is ALWAYS good. He pulled me out of it. i chatted to Bear about it and she said that it was me trying to get back into control of my life.

i remember when i stopped with the borderline eating disorder thing. we watched a video about eating disorders in biology, and they were describing the way girls get these disorders in order to be in control. guess what? i’m one of the few, i guess. i wanted to be thin. i wanted to be beautiful. i had a messed up perception of myself, i was scared of make-up and stuff. but as the disorder progressed, i was getting all these OCD aspects creeping into my personality. that’s so not me, i don’t have to be in control to feel comfortable. i’m a throwback to the hippy era in many ways (and waiting until marriage is now considered as radical as NOT waiting was then <g>). but i would have to eat things in halves and crap… i guess the starvation bits were doing stuff to my insides and my serotonin levels. ANYWAY that’s besides the point. i’ve recently begun listening to a lot of superchic[k]. i found a song that helped me to understand why i was doing it and the accomapanying video will be something that i draw from if i start to struggle again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dL7WPylAd5E

2) i’m so sick of being lonely. see “ich bin wirklich nicht emo” if you speak german and want to understand this statement. i don’t believe it’s God’s will for me to have to sit in the girls’ loos during lunch if there aren’t available seats in the library.  heck, the loneliness was what started the almost-eating-disorder. i thought, if only i can get thin, people will like me. i heard a girl calling me “chunky” behind my back. why is it that this always happens to some people? however God has been very good to me. i know He’s working through this with me. i refuse to believe that i will always be lonely. it’s not true. He’s already helping with lots of the emotional soreness.

IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3) LIFE GOES ON. I know it does,

Jesus loves me,

This I know,

For the Bible tells me so.

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